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My friend, just
finished her game
she is disappointed
with the ending
and
I think she is angry

she wants to take a piss
but there is someone in the bathroom
so she decides to go out
to
piss in the yard
her own little

silent
protest

although she slammed the door

she has never pissed
in the yard before
and I wonder  if she will do it
on the bush
or
in the rose bed

if she'll center her act
have everyone see her
let go
or get at it
against the wall of our building, for
she knows

she is its superior
maybe she will do it against the wind
let the drops hit her skin
where she feel
they belong at these moments

I decide I will not watch her
step away from the window
let the mystery remain
and leave her to her sorrow

I bow my head,
I have pretty feet

where other people pisses, it
isn't my concern
although
I'd rather they didn't
piss
on my roses.
Another state of mind
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:iconfried-nuns:
fried-nuns Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
you are fucking insane i hate how you could make the grotesque beautiful and vice versa. A+++
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:iconliedy:
Liedy Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
Forgive me, all the lights are out and we have yet to buy new bulbs. I am however very glad you liked it.
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:iconladyquindecim:
LadyQuindecim Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
I am sorry to say that I do not feel I have enough to say about it to form a meaningful critique, but-
I would like to comment on
the deep
meaning behind the pacing/breaks/phrasing you put into the poem. I thought a lot was said with simply meaningful carriage returns.
--
She has <- I get a sense of commitment - there will be no stopping it (much like trying to stop, well...)
never pissed in the yard before <- that hint of disbelief.
and <- carries the thought
I wonder if she will do it <- doing something is in character, but this specifically is a surprise.
on the bush <- now I get a renewed sense of confidence and defiance and....
or <- implied choice through
in the rose bed. <- unyielding determination
--

Maybe I am "wrong" but that was what made this so artistic. Music may be defined as "sound and silence, organized by time." This is like that to me: "words and space organized by meaning."

I am not an "into poetry" sort of person, but this was a great read.
Reply
:iconliedy:
Liedy Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
It is wonderful to know that at least one has understood why the lines are broken as they are. Breaking lines correctly, for me to get the feel and meaning through, takes forever, and most won't notice at all or do not understand why the lines break when they do, understandably. People are always eager to point out the structure shape and form of a piece, but there is more to breaking a line than that. Thank so much for bothering to comment.
Reply
:iconladyquindecim:
LadyQuindecim Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
>.> I kinda thought it was one of those "poetry 101" things that phrasing and rhythm was driven by the line breaks. Oh, well. (It is why I am lame at poetry.)

There are plenty of things that I take for granted yet are missed by many.
Reply
:iconmolybdenum-blues:
Molybdenum-Blues Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not sure if you meant this to be humorous, but it is wonderfully funny and also a great little story.
Reply
:iconancientpoet:
ancientpoet Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2012
All men want to piss in someones sand box and some women want to be pissed on LOL
Reply
:iconliedy:
Liedy Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2012
You are a kinky poet are you not?
Reply
:iconv-cold:
V-COLD Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012
I loled with this, it's kind of funny XD
Reply
:iconcardinal-hearts:
cardinal-hearts Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Again, your style of writing is amazing. And what a unique subject for a poem! I think the title is spelled wrong, it's urine. But maybe the mistake was done on purpose? Great poem :D
Reply
:iconliedy:
Liedy Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012
Haha I wish, but no.. Just foreign. Thank you for letting me know!
Reply
:iconcardinal-hearts:
cardinal-hearts Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconiwasearnestonce:
iwasearnestonce Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2012
i like this. theres something gritty about it. its such a lovely metaphor, pretty and hideous at the same time.
is it awful this could be me if only the piss was puke. my purgatory. but i love it, i do.
Reply
:iconsparringthedarkness:
sparringthedarkness Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I never thought of putting the periods at the beginning.
Reply
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